First, let’s get to the news: January 3rd will be my first event of the year, and this time I am spinning alongside Philly’s own DJ Luna! I am looking forward to hearing what she brings to the table! This event will be at my home away from home: Bar XIII’s Asylum 13 in Wilmington, DE (9pm to 1am). I look forward to seeing my Delaware family for the first time this year!
Okay, so I have decided maybe it’s time for me to open up and give you a bit of me, personally. I hide behind humor (most of it, bad or inappropriate). I have suffered from a form of Major Depression all my life. I was diagnosed as dysthymic, when I was younger. To add to that, I was diagnosed late-in-life (6 years ago) with Asperger’s (Autism Spectrum). Unfortunately, not knowing I was autistic my whole life caused a lot of problems for me, when I was younger. These things shaped who I am, today. I did, in fact, open up a little bit about it, in the songs, What’s Inside, as well as Rain Behind Your Eyes. I suppose you could say, Happy is a song regarding how I feel during a meltdown, and Embrace The Entropy is the acceptance that everything falls apart, which is how a meltdown feels. In fact, Embrace was written right after a very serious meltdown that I would love to forget ever happened, but it will never go away, and nothing will ever change that.
Since being diagnosed, I have had people tell me that I seem to use my autism as an excuse and should really try to contain it and act normal. I do. It’s fucking exhausting. But I always do. It’s something that, long before my diagnosis, I was being told I needed to do. I’m used to people not really being comfortable with the real me. I am exhausting.
But it fuels my music. My hyperfocus is music (well, there are others, but we’ll not discuss those, at this time). This has, on occasion, been to my detriment. I will lose track of time and space, when I work with sound. I will forget to eat and sleep. I will forget to take care of basic needs for myself and those who rely on me.
While we’re on the subject, let’s talk a little bit about the autism meltdown. People talk about how bad it is to bottle shit up. I don’t know too many people on the spectrum who have a firm control over this. It is the one part of me that has always scared me. It is a monster I cannot control, except to sink into seclusion. Most of the time, I am in my music studio. Most of the time, I sleep there. It keeps the monster away from everyone.
I say it scares me. It does. But there is the dark, raspy voice in the back of my head, telling me “You can tell the whole world how much you hate me, but you can’t lie to me. You can’t lie to yourself. You love me.” And I do. It feels good to meltdown. It is uncontrollable anger. The lid comes off. The pressure releases. I black out. I remember bits and pieces, later, but most everything is relayed to me from someone I wish wouldn’t have been there for it. It is best that I stay away from those I love, sometimes.
The fucked up thing about being autistic and not knowing- growing up and not understanding why people treat you like both an alien and a target for their entertainment.But it’s that, which fuels my passion, as well. I have grown to understand that the world is full of assholes. It’s full of what people like to call “Normies”. They are the sheep. They are the status quo. They are one color- one tone- one sound… and while that sound, color, or tone may change over time to the beat of media, government, or whatever, it still remains the same, bland crap that has always infected humanity.
Let your freak flag fly. Don’t strive for status quo. Be you and fuck those who oppose.
Until next time,